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Nov 23

Why the topline should always be the bottom line.

As long as the people in charge are incompetent crooks, jargobollocks will always be with us

I had a depressing start to the day. Outside it was grey, windy, and threatening to be wet. I drank too much wine last night talking on Skype to an unusually engaging person. I groped about for the TV zapper and turned on BBCNews. Once  again, it was sofa time.

I think morning-news sofas are done to death now. OK guys, we get the message: it’s jolly informal, gender-neutral and family-friendly. But enough with the sofas already. I think the newsreaders of a morning should have bad hair, look bleary-eyed, yawn a lot, and do the news from bed. Each interviewee could then join the bed to create a ménage à trois, and we could have wild accusations in the blogosphere about what was going on under the duvet. Tracy Emin could remake the bed every morning.

Or they should be in the shower, on the loo, cleaning their teeth, struggling to get their socks on – whatever. It’d be far more entertaining than the news. Anything would be more interesting than the two Charlies they had on this morning: a  teacher and a mum, talking about discipline in schools.

The teacher was Central Casting Grade 1 NUTpc. He had, he told the boy-girl item on the sofa, plenty of strategies in his toolbox for dealing with difficult kids, plenty of action pathways and issue-oriented options. Harsh outbursts were inappropruiate: he never used them because they never worked.

Never? Not even once? Not even if the last strategy in the toolbox is a nail-ended club? And if he never used them, how did he know they never worked? Here was yet another ‘teacher’ who had taken a course in Abuse of English.

Mum was the expected exception: specially chosen because she believed that teachers know best, and stating firmly that they must be allowed to get on with their job. “What we have to remember,” she reminded us, “Is that this is the sharp end for teachers: they’re on the bottom line”.

Oh dear. I think I’ll go away to a darkened room and study the front line as delivered by the accountant yesterday. It’s not looking good: ballpoint analysis is, I’m broke.

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Half-baked bollocks and lazy denial have taken over so completely now, it’s almost like some of us need a phrase-book to get through it all. According to Guardian jobs this morning, there is an exciting and high profile new world class open cast mining project in Devon. How did they check to back up the claim that it’s world class? If it means ‘better than cast-iron mining project in Antofagasta, Chile’ should we be impressed? Or should we simply vapourise the clown who has not yet grasped what an irritating joke that phrase is in 2012?

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